Patterns of Abuse
The following is written by Lucy McDonald and Keely Oste and is an excerpt from the book: Renew, produced by Anglicare Sydney.
Deliver me from my enemies, O God, be my fortress against those who are attacking me, deliver me from evil doers and save me from those who are after my life-blood.
You are my strength, I watch for you, you God are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.
PSALM 59 – EXCERPTS
The ‘Power and Control Wheel’ is one model of understanding the experiences of people impacted by domestic abuse. The ‘Cycle of Abuse’ is another. Whether you are currently experiencing domestic abuse or have escaped the abuse, models such as these can be helpful for describing what you have experienced, understanding that you are not to blame, and knowing that many other survivors have been through something quite similar to you.
Experiencing domestic abuse at the hands of someone who claims to love you can feel like an incredibly isolating experience. Having a framework, such as the ‘Power and Control Wheel’, has helped women to see the abuser’s behaviour as a network of manipulative behaviours and actions that he is responsible for, rather than as specific reactions to something she did. As you read through this chapter, you may remember the different ways you have tried to change your behaviour to reduce the severity or frequency of the abuse. You may have tried to anticipate outbursts and taken many steps to keep yourself and your children safe. We hope that this chapter will reinforce that you are not the cause of the abuse and that you are not to blame. We want to honour the many ways that you have resisted and survived.
Whether or not your experience connects you with either of these models, or only some parts, it is important to remember you are the expert in your life, your experience and your story. Models can be useful in helping you make sense of the abuse you have experienced, but you alone really know your situation – you don’t need a model to justify your experience of abuse! Trust your intuition – if something doesn’t feel right, it likely isn’t.
We hope that you will find some clarity and self-compassion in this chapter.
‘Power and Control Wheel’ [1]
The ‘Power and Control Wheel’ is a model that aims to capture the layers of domestic violence. According to the model, power and control are at the heart of every abusive relationship. For abusers, domestic relationships exist to serve their need for power and control. This underpins their behaviour throughout the relationship, and often beyond the separation. This may also help to explain why domestic abuse happens at all cross-sections of society, regardless of socioeconomic status, marital status, age or faith adherence.
The segments around the heart of the wheel are the tactics an abuser may use to maintain and regain perceived loss of power and control. Abuse is not a series of isolated actions and words, but a network of behaviour that simultaneously puts pressure on survivors to stay, while eroding their sense of self-worth and confidence. The strategies named in the segments are not exhaustive or exclusive. This clearly communicates survivors are not to be blamed for the abuse, but also explains why the survivors often feel that they are responsible for it. The outer, black ring represents the threat of physical or sexual violence that can often keep victims in the abusive relationship. This doesn’t necessarily mean that physical and/or sexual violence isn’t already being used, but an abuser may threaten more severe and frequent violence to prevent a victim from leaving the relationship.
The ‘Power and Control Wheel’ can also indicate why many women continue to feel unsafe after leaving an abusive relationship. When survivors have the strength and courage to leave a relationship communicates to an abuser that he is not the one who has all of the power and control. Unfortunately, many abusers see survivors leaving as a direct threat to their control and power. This is why the time leading up to, and directly following, separation is statistically the most dangerous time for a survivor and her children.
The ‘Cycle of Abuse’
This model [2] outlines how stages of an abusive relationship often follow a similar pattern and keep repeating themselves. (Note: there are several versions of the ‘Cycle’ model – with three to five stages described). The reason for describing it as a cycle of abuse is to keep the focus on the behaviours and choices of the abuser. It is important to remember that abuse is happening at every stage of the Cycle, even if it may seem like there are periods of peace or normalcy. It is those ‘lulls’ in the apparent abuse, the hints at repentance and change, that make the ongoing abuse so deceptive and deepen the survivor’s dependence. The model’s author also made it clear that there was no personality trait that made a woman likely to be a victim of abuse.
The Cycle is a tool that may reflect the patterns of some abusive relationships, but other survivors find it does not fit their experience. We have chosen to include this model because some women may be familiar with this terminology. We encourage you to only take the advice that fits your story and experience. The Cycle describes the various stages in the pattern of abuse. These don’t follow a particular time frame; they can happen over days, weeks or months and the phases can also last for any length of time.
HONEYMOON
A relationship will usually begin with the honeymoon stage, though some women may have experienced abuse right from the start. During this phase, an abuser will usually try to gain control in any way they can, by ‘turning on the charm’, acting as if there are no issues in your relationship, and minimising issues you may bring up. He may make you feel really ‘special’ and emphasise the uniqueness of your relationship, encouraging you to focus only on each other, or him. It may be that in this early stage your relationship moved swiftly to greater intensity – quickly moving in together, marrying and starting a family or making other dramatic life changes to accommodate the relationship are typical in this phase.
TENSION AND BUILD-UP
Often, perpetrators of abuse and violence think that they are the ones who are hard done by – that they are the victims. They will spend time and effort thinking about what you have done wrong, and how you are at fault, not meeting their expectations and demands. Verbal abuse, denigration and put-downs are typical in this phase, causing you to doubt yourself – or even your view of reality. During this phase, abusers are often feeling like their authority and control are being threatened and are building a case of excuses and situations that may justify lashing out. Survivors of abuse often know their abuser and circumstances incredibly well and feel a sense of hypervigilance about an abuser’s behaviour. Survivors have described feeling like they are ‘walking on eggshells’, with a sense of dread for how an abuser might behave next.
What he might do:
Shout, scream or give you the silent treatment
Goad you – argue with you to try to get you to argue back
Call you names or destroy your property
Criticise your parenting, threaten you with physical harm, or threaten to ‘report’ you in some way – whether to children’s services, immigration, or to your own family or pastor as crazy or ‘unfit’ Minimise your feelings, or gaslight you
Accuse you of being unfaithful e.g., of having an affair.
What you might do (all your actions are about survival):
Make excuses for his behaviour – he’s tired, stressed, if I hadn’t done ‘x’ he wouldn’t have done ‘y’
Try to comply with all his wishes to keep the peace, and minimise your own needs
Withdraw
Focus on ways to keep the family functioning.
While tension can also exist in healthy relationships, what distinguishes them from unhealthy and abusive relationships is how the tension is resolved. Can you safely talk about how you were feeling with your partner, or will he turn to blaming you or escalating his behaviour? It is important to understand that he will see anything you are doing as an attack on his power and control, even though that’s probably the last thing you are trying to do. This drives him to escalate his behaviour to regain power and control over you.
EXPLOSION/INCIDENT
The abuser will choose abusive and/ or violent behaviour and find ways to blame you for triggering his abusive behaviours: you haven’t prepared the right dinner, or you contradicted him in front of your friends. The explosive behaviour may be physical, but it could also be verbal, sexual, financial or emotional. He is very likely to attach this outburst of behaviour to something you did or didn’t do, to try to make you feel responsible for his behaviour.
What he might do:
Scream, order, verbally abuse or threaten you
Hit, slap, kick, shove, strangle, choke, suffocate or try to drown you
Destroy household objects or your belongings
Use weapons or objects against you
Hurt your children or pets
Stop you from leaving e.g., lock you in the house
Stalk you if you go out
Commit sexual assault or rape.
What you might do:
Try to appease him to keep the peace
Feel shame and minimise the abuse
Look for ways to keep your children out of harm’s way
Feel you have to hide the truth for the ‘sake’ of the family
Call the police
Protect yourself by fighting back
Leave the relationship either temporarily or permanently.
At this stage your risk is increasing because his behaviour is getting worse and has the potential to become very violent or fatal. Pregnancy, or him knowing you are trying to leave, will both make your risk even greater.
REMORSE
After an explosive event, abusers may express shame, guilt and sorrow. Often these emotions will seem incredibly genuine and heartfelt – indeed they may be. The abuser may apologise and promise to ‘do better’ or ‘never again’. The abuser might also make the survivor feel she is responsible for ‘fixing’ them by saying and doing things to make the survivor feel like the abuser is a better person (or has the potential to be), just by being in a relationship with the survivor. This certainly adds to the survivor’s confusion, isolation and guilt when it feels like they are both the reason for and the solution to the abuse. Additionally, many survivors do still love their partner – they just want the abuse to stop.
For Christian women, this period may also include the abuser begging or demanding your forgiveness, thanking you for your grace towards him, or asking you to help them change and grow.
What he might do:
Apologise or make a show of repentance
Say he will get professional support
Buy you gifts/take you on holiday
Promise it will never happen again
Blame it on work, stress, drugs, alcohol, or his past experiences
Cry.
What you might do:
Feel relieved and happy
Forgive him
Return to him if you had left the relationship
Retract your police statement (although this is often done in fear)
Take the blame for his behaviour.
EXCUSES
During this stage, abusers continue to not take responsibility for their abusive behaviour. They may blame external factors, such as past trauma, work pressure, financial stress, mental health and the survivor’s actions. They will justify their actions to themselves and to those around them.
In some relationships, the remorse/ excuse stages may also morph into another ‘honeymoon’ phase, where things in the relationship seem peacefulagain. There is relative calm, perhaps even signs of the person you thought you fell in love with re-emerge, and you think there is hope of things really changing.
However, in most abusive relationships, this calm is temporary and, before long, the cycle starts all over again.
Leaving or escaping from an abusive relationship
You may be reading this having separated from the abuser, having done this alone or with the support of friends/ family or professionals. Or you may be reading this having attempted to leave, but have gone back (women typically attempt to leave on seven occasions before the final separation). Or this could be the first time you have recognised that you may be in an abusive relationship.
It is also possible that for religious or cultural reasons, separation does not seem like an option for you. Whichever part of the journey you are on, remember God sees you, He knows what you have run from, He knows the path you are on. (It is Hagar who names God as ‘the God who sees me’ – Genesis 16:13.)
Remember that your partner’s abusive behaviour is absolutely no reflection on you; it was not and is not your fault. Abusers are responsible for the abuse. They chose to control, manipulate and coerce, rather than collaborating, listening and compromising. They chose their privilege and positions of power to serve themselves, rather than serving others. If you haven’t separated, it takes huge courage and planning to leave an abusive relationship.
Domestic violence services often hear about the ingenious, resourceful and creative measures that women take to stay alive and safe – as much as they can.
What professionals call ‘safety planning’, you may call ‘surviving’. Unfortunately, the abusive behaviour rarely stops, even after separation, without other types of intervention – be it from a professional, family member, pastor or friend, or legal interventions. Sometimes, when several of these interventions occur, the abuser may finally choose to do something about their behaviour. Interventions such as a Men’s Behaviour Change program may lead to acknowledgement of their attitudes and behaviours and the long road to change. But it does not always mean the relationship can be recovered.
Be wary of expressions of remorse or repentance without actual behaviour change.
What help is out there?
You will know when you feel ready to leave, and how you might do that. There are probably already things you have considered, like where you might go, who you will tell (or not tell), and what you will take with you. Trust your instincts. Please know that there are resources and support available and, if possible, seek professional advice at such an important time.
Take particular care
A final piece of advice about planning to leave is that you should be very cautious when you are using technology. In our day and age, there are many ways to monitor someone’s activity in covert and virtually undetectable ways. When searching for support services and resources or attending appointments with a support service, you can keep yourself even safer by using a ‘clean’ device (one that you don’t own, so it is unlikely to have spyware/ tracking applications installed by the abuser) and by adjusting your location tracking settings on your phone and devices. If you have deeper concerns about being tracked and monitored, see Chapter 5 for more information and practical tips about how to keep yourself safe when using technology.
Top Tip: Models of domestic abuse can help you identify the pattern of abuse you have experienced.
Author: Anglicare Sydney