What is Domestic Abuse?

Renew

23 Nov

Written By Dr Ally Kern and Lynda Dunstan

The following is written by Dr Ally Kern and Lynda Dunstan and is an excerpt from the book: Renew, produced by Anglicare Sydney.

No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

LUKE 8:16–17

What constitutes abuse? This simple question represents one of the greatest challenges to understanding domestic abuse. Frequently in the media, abuse is depicted as images of physical violence – that which can be seen by injuries sustained or by the death of the victim. This often leads people to believe that only physical violence is a valid form of domestic abuse. But physical abuse is only part of the problem – there are many other forms of control, abuse and violence that women may experience.

Narrow definitions of domestic violence not only affect the statistics gathered on this important topic, but they also affect survivors and their opportunities for recovery. It is important that understandings of domestic violence include all the forms and tactics experienced by women.

Domestic abuse (or domestic violence) refers to a pattern of behaviours based on exerting power and control over another, typically causing fear and intimidation. It primarily happens between those who currently are, or who have been, in an intimate partner relationship.

In Australia, definitions of domestic abuse can vary according to the legislative framework for each state or federal jurisdiction, but coercion, control, domination and fear are key elements. For legal definitions see page 219 of Appendix C.

All this can be confusing! Typically, the terms ‘domestic abuse’, ‘domestic violence’ and ‘intimate partner violence’ are interchangeable.

‘Family violence’ can also refer to violence and abuse in other types of family relationships: this might include child abuse, elder abuse, adolescent violence against parents and also sibling violence.

It’s worth noting that whilst these types of abuse may occur on their own, they often occur in the same families where intimate partner violence is happening.

‘Family violence’ is also the preferred description for abuse experienced by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples. See also Chapter 23 for more information.

Who is impacted?

According to NSW Dept of Communities and Justices, domestic abuse can happen in intimate relationships, including:

couples who are married, engaged to be married, separated, divorced, and of the same or different sex
de facto partners, of the same or different sex
couples promised to each other under cultural or religious tradition
dating couples.

Domestic abuse can also happen in family relationships, including:

people who are related through blood, marriage or de facto partnerships, adoption and fostering relationships
siblings and extended family • the full range of kinship ties in Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities
constructs of family within lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex or queer (LGBTIQ) communities
people living in the same house or the same residential care facility
people reliant on care.

Domestic abuse can impact anyone and happens in every community, all cultures, and to people in every age and income group. However, gender is the biggest risk factor for domestic abuse. Women and their children are most at risk of domestic abuse from their current or former partners. [1]

The Family Law Act rightly identifies that children are often also victims of domestic abuse, both by witnessing actual violence and its impacts on the survivor parent, but also by experiencing direct abuse themselves, and the negative impacts it has on the whole family’s functioning – such as disruption to housing, finances, social support and education.

Women or men as survivors?

You may have noticed that none of the legal definitions actually mention the gender of the abuser or the survivor. Certainly, from a legal perspective, anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse. But the impacts may not be the same. A male survivor of domestic abuse may experience fear and intimidation, but possibly not the same level of financial abuse or physical injury.

The ABS Personal Safety Survey consistently indicates that women are more likely to be victims of domestic abuse than men, but that men are more likely to experience public acts of violence. In both cases, the majority of perpetrators of abuse are men.[2]

Additionally, some women seem to be at greater risk of being a target of domestic abuse or may experience greater impacts or have additional challenges connecting with support services. These include:

women with a disability
women in rural and remote communities
Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women
Culturally and Linguistically Diverse women
members of the LGBTIQ community.

If you identify with one of these groups, we are glad you are here, and we hope that you find information in this guide to support you in your recovery.

To gain a deeper understanding of what actually constitutes abuse, we will now explore the various types of abuse that typically make up this pattern.

Emotional and psychological abuse

Emotional abuse falls under the wider category of psychological abuse. It is a form of intimate partner abuse that is often described by survivors as more destructive than being physically hit, and it can leave long-term effects. It can be defined as ‘repetitive attitudes and behaviours that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting her growth’.[3]

The abuser typically does not acknowledge the impact of their words and behaviour; they may claim that they were unaware they were causing harm; or may tell the survivor, ‘It’s your fault – you are just too sensitive’. Their aim is to undermine the survivor’s self- confidence and trust in their own sense of reality.

1800Respect describes psychological abuse in this way: [4]

‘Psychological abuse can include someone regularly:

embarrassing you in public or in front of family, friends, support workers or people you work with
calling you names
threatening to harm you, your pets, children, or other people who are important to you
treating you badly because of things you can’t change – for example, your religion, race, past, disability, gender, sexuality or family
ignoring you or pretending you aren’t there
doing and saying things that make you feel confused. This might include someone moving or changing things and then denying they have done this.
always correcting what you say with the aim of making you look or feel foolish.’

Emotional or psychological abuse is a devastating act of domestic violence, which leaves a woman deeply shamed in her identity – her sense of being or self – as her partner’s ‘emotional abuse systematically degrades, diminishes and [may] eventually destroy the person hood of the abused’.[5]

Over time, a women may internalise her partner’s abuse, believing what he says, and believing that her perception of reality and her feelings are wrong. This is called gaslighting – or crazy-making – as the abusive partner denies his abusive behaviour towards his partner, while presenting himself in public as charismatic and ‘normal’.

The victim is likely to become increasingly dependent on the abuser as she loses her self-identity and belief, leaving her increasingly trapped in his abuse. His position is strengthened by ongoing comments that ‘no one will believe you if you disclose abuse/ leave’, ‘you have no friends or family support’, ‘you can’t survive without me’ or ‘you’re so lucky to have me, no one else would put up with you’.

Emotional abuse can be overt, such as yelling, angry outbursts, making threats, blaming, belittling, isolation, controlling what you wear, constant judging and criticism, name-calling, and ordering; or covert abuse, such as lying, denying, minimising, forgetting, blocking and diverting, discounting, neglect, abandonment, withholding, making derogatory jokes.

Demeaning jokes often precede physical abuse in relationships or are accompanied by the threat of physical or sexual violence and should be considered a serious act of violence from one partner to another. But it is often the most challenging type of abuse to identify. The individual acts of emotional abuse may seem small or trivial. Their power is in their relentless attacks on the survivor’s capacity to function as an independent adult.

Many jurisdictions are recognising this behaviour as part of the pattern called coercive control and are developing legislation to criminalise it.

Physical abuse

While emotional abuse is often the precursor to physical violence, it is usually when a women’s body bears the bruises inflicted on her by her partner that most people would acknowledge that domestic violence has occurred. While it may be the easiest type of abuse to recognise and document – bruises and broken bones, for instance, can be reported to a doctor – many women will still hesitate to report to anyone what has actually occurred.

In Australia, on average, one woman per week is murdered by their current or former partner. While many women are worried about heart disease or cancer, intimate partner violence is a very real threat to a woman’s health: in 2016–17, there were 4600 hospitalisations for women aged 15 and over for assault injuries due to family and domestic violence. One in twelve of the women hospitalised were pregnant. Intimate partner violence is the greatest health risk factor, greater than smoking alcohol and obesity for women aged 25–44.[6]

There are many types of physical abuse, including – but not limited to – intentional acts of hair-pulling, dragging a woman by her hair, slapping, hitting, punching, slamming a woman against something, throwing her across the room, choking or strangling her (includes forcing her up against a wall by her neck or stomping on her neck), burning her, or having a gun or knife used against her. Additionally, an abuser will make threats of violence – against a woman or her children – to cause fear and assert control over his female partner as in emotional abuse. While the frequency and severity of physical violence can vary in an abusive relationship over time, it is essential to take any and every threat seriously, especially if physical violence is escalating.

There are two times in a woman’s life when she is most likely to be in danger of physical violence from an intimate partner: when she is pregnant and when she leaves. Many women disclose that the first acts of physical violence against them occurred when they were pregnant, or that the violence significantly increased during pregnancy. Alongside this devastating reality of women’s lives, it is critical to know that a woman is most likely to be murdered by a partner after she leaves. It should not be a surprise then that many women remain with an abusive partner to protect themselves and any children they may have.

Some signs of risk for lethality

A history of assault while pregnant, attempted strangulation, assault with a weapon, threats to kill, sexual assault, particularly when combined with recent separation, and increased jealousy and possessiveness may indicate a heightened risk of lethality. Each state has specific risk-screening tools that can be accessed to assess the level of imminent risk, then referral to a coordinated response team.

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is undeniably a prolific form of relationship abuse. The number of sexual assaults recorded by police continues to rise with more than 80% of victims being female.

Sexual violence and abuse can be defined as any behaviour of a sexual nature which is unwanted and takes place without consent or understanding. Sexual abuse includes – but is certainly not limited to – marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred (sometimes called ‘makeup sex’) or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner. See also Chapter 16: Recovering from Sexual Abuse.

Remembering the fact that abuse is essentially about the use of power and control over another person, it is also important to realise that there are various forms of force or coercion that the abuser may use to make the victim–survivor comply: physical force, psychological or emotional coercion, manipulation and threats of harm, and other forms of intimidation. It is critical to recognise that compliance is not the same as consent; and explicit consent must be given for sexual acts. Unwanted sexual contact, behaviour or acts constitute sexual violence.

In addition to physical sexual acts, sexual abuse also includes denying an individual’s right to control the context and circumstances in which sexual activity occurs (e.g., level of intimacy and body contact in public, choice about sexual intimacy when tired or unwell or pregnant).

Reproductive coercion is another form of sexual abuse when a woman does not have a choice about when or how she becomes pregnant, or whether or not she continues a pregnancy, or her access to birth control and condoms (to prevent STDs) is controlled or manipulated.

As with emotional abuse, a significant step in addressing sexual abuse is the recognition that all experiences of this type of intimate partner violence should be considered as acts of abuse. Sexual abuse is particularly violating because it impacts a person so profoundly – both physically and emotionally. Additionally, female survivors of sexual abuse are often blamed by the general public – rather than the abuser being blamed – as though a woman’s choice of clothing, drink or agreeing to go on a date justifies her being sexually abused. It is critical to understand that, unless an individual gives explicit and unforced verbal consent to any sexual activity, that all such sexual acts must be considered sexual abuse. (A woman obviously cannot give such consent if she is drunk, drugged, asleep or unconscious.)

This highlights another issue within domestic abuse, which is that female survivors are sometimes treated by our society as somehow to blame for the abusive actions of their male partners. Such a damaging belief is embedded in our culture – and often in our faith communities.

It is important to be clear on this truth: all forms of domestic violence are always the responsibility of the abuser.

What about consent in Christian marriage?

If you are married, consent should still be exchanged between husband and wife for sexual behaviour and intimacy. Marriage does not mean you have no right to refuse your spouse’s demand for sex, or to have a say in what sexual behaviour you wish to engage in.

1 Cor 7:4 states that ‘the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. (Also) The husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does’ (ESV).

This text must not be misused to remove consent from either party: instead, it should be seen to make clear the equality and mutuality of the sexual relationship in Christian marriage.[7]

Financial abuse

One of the invisible weapons within intimate partner violence is that of financial control, and it is one of the least recognised, but most highly prevalent types of relational abuse. In Australia, estimates are that 90% of women experiencing domestic abuse also experience financial abuse and control.[8] Here we see that the coercive controlling behaviour of abusers is not simple, but incredibly complex and interrelated; in fact, most survivors experience more than one form of abuse in their relationship. Manipulation and control over a partner’s finances are frequently used to prevent a woman from acquiring, spending or keeping money or other forms of financial resources. As an unseen mode of isolation, financial abuse effectively cuts her off from accessing means to leave the abuser and to recover. Indeed, one of the primary reasons a woman does not leave her male abuser is financial abuse, trapping her in a position of dependence on her male partner.

This extremely common tactic includes both subtle and more overt instances of abusive behaviour that represent serious betrayals of a person’s rights. Some examples of financial abuse women experience are: having credit cards and loans taken out in her name without her consent; using her bank accounts/credit cards without her knowledge; being given an allowance and having her purchases closely watched; manipulating her to sign loans, mortgages or other financial documents; threatening her to coerce her into financial decisions; preventing her from working or demanding she quit; harass- ing or interfering with her while she is in the workplace – until she loses her job; taking all her wages if she continues to work, or forcing her to work in a family business for no wages. Each of these takes away a woman’s self-sufficiency. Such abuse is a powerful tool that can devastate women through lack of food, medical care, clothing, and sustainable housing, resulting in poverty and homelessness. These barriers to meeting a woman’s fundamental human needs severely impair a survivor’s access to security and safety either within an abusive relationship or afterwards if she is able to leave. They also significantly impact on her children’s wellbeing and family functioning by restricting support or resources that are available for the children. See Chapter 9 for practical help on managing debts and recovering from financial abuse.

Spiritual and cultural abuse

‘When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.’

PSALM 34:17–18

Many women of faith who experience relational abuse will encounter the deep wounds of spiritual abuse. The significant factor to keep in mind – as in all forms of abuse – is that abuse is about using power and control over another person, and anyone can behave abusively, even those who have significant spiritual authority. So spiritual abuse can be seen as the use of power and authority to dominate or control a partner through the use of spiritual, biblical or other religious practices that minimise, deny or harm a partner’s right to equality as someone made in the image of God.[9]

Spiritual abuse consists of the abuser using theology or Scripture to: deny the female partner the right to make decisions within the relationship or family, control her ministry opportunities in the church or public spheres; denounce her person- hood as less than his; blame her for not submitting to his authority – or claiming his authority gives him rights over her; threatening to abandon her for spiritual reasons; declare her thoughts, beliefs or actions sinful or ungodly or evil; or re- fuse to let her separate or divorce due to his abuse.

While such examples are not exhaustive, spiritual abuse is essentially the act of justifying one’s abusive behaviours through spiritual or biblical means, the effect of which is the breakdown of the survivor’s identity as loved by God by attacking her perceptions of God.

Further spiritual abuse may occur when a survivor makes a disclosure or seeks help from her spiritual community and its leaders, and they do not believe her, or minimise or dismiss her concerns, or when they collude with the abuser, not holding him to account, including allowing him to remain in positions of leadership or authority. We will explore this issue further in Chapter 14: Spiritual Abuse and Recovery.

Cultural abuse may overlap with spiritual abuse. It is an attack on a woman’s cultural beliefs, identity and practices.

This may include isolating her from cultural community or family, or misrepresenting her to the community and family so as to denigrate, humiliate or shame her, such that she may be shunned by that community. It may also include forcing her into behaviour or practices that are contrary to her culture and beliefs, or not allowing her to behave in culturally appropriate ways. Once again, this abuse of power and control aims at increasing isolation and undermining the woman’s sense of self and identity.

Stalking, image-based abuse and technology- facilitated abuse

There is no limit to the types of behaviours an abuser may choose to intimidate and control his partner both during the relationship and after separation. This group of behaviours can be particularly invasive, frightening and cause a survivor to feel that there is no place to escape.

Stalking, monitoring or following the survivor, knowing her whereabouts or where she has been, showing up unexpectedly at locations she is attending, driving past her house or sitting outside, or at just the distance specified in an AVO (e.g. at the edge of the 100 metre exclusion zone), showing up at her workplace uninvited, constant calls or text messages or stalking her social media account are behaviours designed to show the survivor that the abuser knows where she is and what she is doing all the time, and that there is no escape. If a survivor notices stalking behaviours are increasing, particularly if they have recently separated and there has been a history of jealousy and control, it would be wise to contact the police or to seek advice from a DV crisis service. See Chapter 5 for more details on safety and security measures, including safety for electronic devices and phones. E-safety Women is a very helpful website for information.

Image-based abuse is specifically when intimate images are taken and shared without consent to humiliate or denigrate the survivor: for example, sharing intimate images on social media sites, or with the survivor’s colleagues or family. One in five Australians aged 16–49 have experienced some form of image-based abuse. It is often associated with high levels of psychological distress including symptoms of moderate to severe depression and anxiety, and feeling very fearful for personal safety.[10]

Copyright: Restored, UK. First published in Great Britain, 2019. Australian Edition, 2022. Reprinted 2023: Anglicare Sydney.

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Dr Ally Kern and Lynda Dunstan